“Frame your thoughts like this, you are an old person, you won’t let yourself be enslaved by this any longer, no longer pulled like a puppet by every impulse, and you’ll stop complaining about your present fortune or dreading the future.” Marcus Aurelius Meditations, 2.2
Am I self-aware, self-critical, and self-determining?
I don’t know. Who really does know? Is it like leveling up in a computer game? “You have reached level 4. Use your new super power wisely.” Hats off to those who truly know if they are self-aware or self-critical or finally the most elusive of all, self-determining. With age I have become more self-critical. Which is something that should not be too surprising. I remember reading a study that revealed students, when given the opportunity to grade themselves, demonstrated a proclivity to under score their performance. I guess what I am saying is, it is easier to be self-critical, that is, assuming that the word “critical” is a pejorative. Which is my inclination. Therefore, it is easier for me to see my weaknesses as opposed to cataloging my strengths.
I am more aware of how others view my failings and my skills, or how they experience my temperament through my behavior. “Know thyself” is inscribed on the Temple of Apollo. It is a most elusive precept. I am certainly aware of my ability to piss people off. And, to some degree, I know what the triggers are; I try to avoid pulling them when I can. Now, that I am older, that is. I do know some older people who go the opposite way, always on the hunt for a trigger to pull.
Self-determining. That is the tough one. At least for me. So many things in a person’s life happen. Events stack the odds up for or against a person. Even if one just considers the law of unintended consequences. In the army we ascribed a gender to it and called ‘him’ Murphy. “What happened?” “Murphy happened.” Murphy moves one further and further; further from determining one’s trajectory. Every decision made, road taken or not taken, puts a little English on the ball affecting family, opportunities, routes available.
If inner peace and freedom from anxiety is self-direction, if it is the same thing as being self-determining, then I check the box. I am reconciled in myself to my worst transgressions (and they are not mere trifles). I am thankful that I have been allowed, over time, to make positive contributions to my family to atone, not to make up for, really, but to turn away from my poor behavior and demonstrate my ‘Mea Culpas.’ Nothing makes right. Reconciling through acknowledgment is cathartic for me and I hope for my loved ones and friends, too. I am at peace with that.
