Stoic Prompt Week 5 (2024)
"Were you to live three thousand years, or even countless multiple of that, keep in mind that no one ever loses a life other than the one they are living, and no one ever lives a life other than the one they are losing. The longest and the shortest life, then, amount to the same, for the present moment lasts the same for all and is all anyone possesses. No one can lose either the past or the future, for how can someone be deprived of what's not theirs?" -Marcus Aurelius Meditation, 2-14
How can I conquer my temper?
My anger has probably been the one personality trait I show that is the least flattering and the most destructive force in my life. Something that is present tense and over which I should have complete control. I do not get angry about the past and I never feel anger regarding the future.
But the present can send me into outer space at the drop of a hat. Why? Sometimes it is from receiving push-back from loved ones or close friends that triggers me. Maybe I perceive an act of betrayal or insubordination. Yeah: I get it. I don't command anyone and none of my family or friends work for me. Sometimes the trigger is road rage. A stranger showing disrespect. Challenging me to a duel. I'm not the kind to attack another driver, but I will slow down when someone is tailgating me just to fire up the driver. It frequently works too.
My father was a hot head. He was brutish and he was quick to lash out. Sometimes violently directing physical harm towards my mom, my sister or me. Most often me. I wonder if it is learned behavior, genetics, or both. My dad used to beat our dog, rub its muzzle in its own urine if the puppy sprayed on the floor. He beat them with the same belt he used on me. I grew up thinking that's the way one trains dogs and kids and wives.
I unlearned this horrific behavior when I was in the United States Army. That is, I moved past violence to control pets and family members. My first wife and I were separated on the way to divorce: no, I never hit her, but I was violent in my speech and demeanor towards her.
The dog, though, that's a different story. I had on-base housing and when my wife moved back into her parents’ home a thousand miles away. I got a dog. A puppy. She was a beautiful Husky. Every time she did something that I perceived as wrong or disobedient I chastised her. Sometimes I beat her with a rolled-up newspaper. Sometimes I cuffed her with the back of my hand. One time I cornered her in a stairwell and I while I was yelling at her, just about to strike her, she jumped at me on the attack. I fended her off and she desisted, but I knew right there and then that I had ruined that dog. Me. My behavior.
It was an epiphany. I was nineteen years old, and I felt shame. I felt dirty. I have never struck another dog again; and because I only show love, encouragement, patience and reward my dogs I have been blessed with well trained and loving dogs ever since.
Unfortunately, it has taken me a lifetime to show the same love, patience, and encouragement to my children and my wife. Although I am way better than I was as a younger man: I am not cured. My strategy has been to walk away, withdraw and cool down. I have never had the epiphany, the defining moment, like I had with that Husky fifty years ago. No moment that properly changed me and moved me 180º onto the road to become the master of my temper, my anger. Withdrawing is not resolution. It is merely a band aid that can cause isolation from and create resentment in those that one loves.
I may never fully purge my inclination to quick anger, but I can master it by doing a double take and vetting my judgments before lashing out, allowing me to seize control of my present. To seek tranquility and be caring. A work in progress.
Epictetus has the Key:
" It is not things that upset us, it's our judgment about things." Ask yourself the following things in the morning:
1. What am I lacking in attaining freedom from passion?
2. What for tranquility?
3. What am I? A mere body, estate-holder, or reputation? None of these things.
4. What then? A rational being.
5. What then is demanded of me? Meditate on your actions.
6. What did I do that was unfriendly, unsocial, or uncaring?
2. What did I fail to do in all of these things?
Epictetus Discourses 4.6.34 -35
