Stoic Prompt Week 6 (2024)
"Today I escaped from the crush of circumstances, or better put, I threw them out, for the crash wasn't from outside me but in my own assumptions." Marcus Aurelius Meditations, 9.13
Do my outbursts ever make things better?
When I was a young man in high school, probably my junior year, I thought I was a tough guy. Everything was filtered through the testosterone fog of existential threat. The slightest challenge required immediate counterattack. Perceived threats demanded preemptive action. I learned that from my dad and from the television. Mostly from my dad. He taught me to fight my tormentors.
And I did. His suggestion, which I adopted, was to attack the chief instigator, the bully, and give him hell even if I was destined to lose. Which I did often enough. But he was right about one thing: damage a tough adversary enough and they rarely bother you again. Win or lose they don't come back for seconds. It was the wrong lesson to learn. The other kids began to see me as a brawler, too. Over time my standing diminished, especially as I became a drug dealer with a cantankerous disposition. A bad boy.
I did not want to fight, but I was ready to. I learned that I could browbeat people with my verbal assaults and rarely have to do combat, People knew that I would fight if it came to it. So, I received wide berth from people that, in retrospect, I should have been seeking as friends. Smart people who, like me, loved history, the arts, music and current affairs. My outbursts were an anathema to them. They were the people I most wanted to be like and to be liked by.
One day on the way home from school I was walking with a couple of girls that I thought were hot, girls that hung with the bad boys. I was talking "shit" and generally trying to hit on them. It did not matter which one, either girl was OK with me. I only had them in my mind and I was focused on them to the exclusion of what was going on around me.
The busiest street we crossed, once leaving the school's neighborhood, was Cherry Hill Road in Westland, Michigan. Mid-sentence into my pitch to the girls I stepped out to cross the street and suddenly someone physically grabbed me from behind and pulled me backwards with great force. I was shocked and I was pissed. As soon as I regained my balance I smacked the boy who grabbed me and then I knocked him to the ground. In that moment I recognized him. His name is Doug Melassi (sp?).
Only a tiny handful of names come easily to mind from high school. He and his brother are two of them. Doug was one year younger than me and his brother, Kevin, was my age. I lit into him while he lay cowering on the ground. One of those girls immediately got between us and got in my face. She yelled that Doug had saved me from being hit by a car that rushed by us, barreling down Cherry Hill Road. He stopped me from stepping into traffic. Doug Melassi saved my life. My inexcusable response was to say," Fuck you and fuck him, too!" Both girls left me standing there and Doug crept away.
After my temper cooled, I became mortified at my behavior on that street corner. Doug knew my reputation. In spite of that, he manhandled me away from danger without a thought for the consequence of laying hands on me. That was selfless of him, and I was an ass. It still bothers me to this day. I went home and I fretted over the implication that my outburst defined me as worthless. An ingrate.
Later that evening I walked over to the Melassi's house and knocked on the door. I desperately needed to atone. I needed to apologize. Kevin answered the door. He was ready to fight to avenge his little brother's honor. I told him why I was there and asked if I could please talk to his brother. Doug emerged from behind Kevin and stepped outside. Much to my surprise I started to cry. Through my emotions I stammered an apology.
I wish I could say that I learned my lesson about allowing my anger to control my behavior. But I did not. It took a tour in the US army to learn to control my proclivity to resort to physical violence, but a lifetime to learn that nothing good has ever come from my outbursts of anger.
Stoic Don'ts
1. Don't be overheard complaining. Not even to yourself - Marcus Aurelius
2. Don't talk more than you listen - Zeno
3. Don't tie your identity to things you own. Those things are fragile and can be taken from you at any moment - Epictetus
4. Don't compare yourself to others. Comparison is the thief of joy - Seneca
5. Don't suffer imagined troubles - Seneca
6. Don't suffer before you need to. Those things will happen or they won't - Seneca
7. Don't overindulge in food or drink. This is the idea of temperance. Musonius
8. Don't fear change. Everything that is good that has happened to you is change - Marcus Aurelius
9. Don't look outside yourself for approval - Marcus Aurelius
10. Don't seek revenge. The best revenge is to not be like them - Marcus Aurelius
